JOKE TIME!

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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby IriDeck » Fri Jul 18, 2008 13:58 UTC

::Takes away the beer:: I think AG's had a few TOO many beverages so far. That's enough for you tonight, sir!!
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Kitty » Fri Jul 18, 2008 15:34 UTC

IriDeck wrote:Kitty, I think that was a male duck. He seemed territorial, and it looked like he was trying to spur your son. Were you videotaping? I was already chuckling, but you were laughing so hard you snorted. That's when I lost it! :lol:


HAHAHAHA IRI...THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER IN LAW VIDEO TAPING WITH MY SONS PHONE :DD
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Xtrem*Volan » Sat Jul 19, 2008 16:31 UTC

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" :lol:
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Xtrem*Volan » Sat Jul 19, 2008 16:43 UTC

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Xtrem*Volan » Sat Jul 19, 2008 16:44 UTC

Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Xtrem*Volan » Sat Jul 19, 2008 16:47 UTC

One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond...
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It's a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.”
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren't meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn't notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Xtrem*Volan » Sat Jul 19, 2008 16:47 UTC

One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond...
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It's a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.”
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren't meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn't notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby ES*AllyMcBeal » Sat Jul 19, 2008 21:27 UTC

One day, the Park Ranger was visiting the elementary school to tell the children about the wonderful creatures of the forest. He put up pictures of the Owl, the Bear, and the Groundhog and asked the children if they knew the name of each animal. They would shout out, and he would tell them a story about that animal!

When he put up a picture of a majestic Stag with it's antlers in full glory, the children were quiet.

"Does anybody know the name of this animal?" he asked.

Silence.

"Here's a hint," he said. "You might have heard your mommy call your daddy by this name!"

After a moment, a little girl in the back smiled and raised her hand excitedly.

"Go ahead," said the Ranger.

"I know! I know!" she said loudly, beaming, "It's a horny bastard!"
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby IriDeck » Wed Jul 23, 2008 13:39 UTC

:lol: That one was awesome, Ally!
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Dambastrd » Wed Jul 23, 2008 16:21 UTC

In wanting to learn about movie monsters, creatures and how they are all are made, I joind a class that taught this somewhat obscure art. The class was called " prosthetic makeup and special effects " but the students all called the class the hideous class because of all of the gory things we were to create.

In the class, I was somehow given the task of finding out about some of the most horrifing, scary and shocking monsters from old movies. I found info on a few of them but then ran out of time before I could gather information about others and organize it all.

How did I do in the class?

I failed hideously.

8-)
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Stacie » Thu Jul 24, 2008 16:29 UTC

Dambastrd wrote:In wanting to learn about movie monsters, creatures and how they are all are made, I joind a class that taught this somewhat obscure art. The class was called " prosthetic makeup and special effects " but the students all called the class the hideous class because of all of the gory things we were to create.

In the class, I was somehow given the task of finding out about some of the most horrifing, scary and shocking monsters from old movies. I found info on a few of them but then ran out of time before I could gather information about others and organize it all.

How did I do in the class?

I failed hideously.

8-)


That was just bad!
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Re: JOKE TIME!

Postby Dambastrd » Fri Jul 25, 2008 20:57 UTC

Stacie: Ha ha. Thanks for your support.


8-) (: 8-)
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